EXCLUSIVE: First Look at My Dad’s Gun
Hudson, New York — This reporter has secured an unprecedented first look at my dad’s gun, a weapon so powerful, so complex, and so fundamentally mysterious that it has become the subject of intense speculation among the local neighborhood kids. The firearm in question — which my dad has repeatedly instructed me not to touch, look at, or even breathe near — was discovered tucked away in the depths of his nightstand drawer, next to a stack of wrinkled receipts and a suspiciously large collection of AAA batteries.
“I wasn’t even looking for it,” said this reporter, after allegedly stumbling upon the weapon while conducting an unrelated investigation into missing Skittles. “But when I saw it, I knew it was time to blow the lid off this story.”
From what could be gleaned in the approximately three seconds before my mom screamed at me to "put that down right now before I ground you until you’re 30," the gun appeared to be black and gun-shaped. Sources confirm that it had both a handle and a trigger, which is consistent with other known firearms.
Experts consulted for this report have suggested that it might be a semi-automatic handgun, though the exact model remains a mystery due to the limited viewing window and the subsequent grounding.
Following the discovery, this reporter’s investigation was abruptly cut short when my dad found out I had been snooping. In a heated press conference held in the kitchen, he insisted that “guns are not toys” and added that if he “ever caught me touching it again,” I would “wish I was never born.”
Sources close to the situation confirm that this statement was followed by a lecture about personal responsibility and the Second Amendment, which lasted approximately 45 minutes and included at least three references to “back in my day.”
Reactions among neighborhood kids have been mixed.
“That’s so cool,” said neighbor Jimmy, who is now considering starting a secret neighborhood militia.
“My dad has a crossbow,” countered Billy from down the street, in what experts are calling a direct challenge to my dad’s firearm supremacy.
Meanwhile, my mom has declined to comment, though she was spotted angrily vacuuming the living room with suspicious intensity shortly after the incident.
This reporter plans to continue the investigation — provided I can un-ground myself before next Friday’s sleepover at Jimmy’s house.
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